I Shall Believe
by Kat271
Summary: Post Telling-- Totally RE-DONE -- Vaughn's married yes-- but you'll never guess who it is! Sydney deals with death, and many more surprises!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine. Belongs to JJ. But the ideas are mind so back off! JK, JK.  
  
Hope ya'll like it I've changed it up quite a bit, but it'll be even better now! Thanks for reading!  
  
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Come to me now- And lay your hands over me - Even if it's a lie - Say it will be alright - And I shall believe. - I'm broken in two - And I know you're on to me - That I only come home - When I'm so all alone - But I do believe.  
  
Open the door - And show me your face tonight - I know it's true - No one heals me like you - And you hold the key. - Never again - would I turn away from you - I'm so heavy tonight - But your love is alright - And I do believe.  
  
That not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be - It seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me - Please say honestly you won't give up on me - And I shall believe - I shall believe -And I shall believe  
  
Sheryl Crow, I shall believe  
  
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If she could have spoken she would have asked him to lie. To tell her that everything would be fine, and to hold her until she no longer felt so strangely alone. Of all the times in her life when she had truly been alone- her mother's abandonment, her father's betrayal, her fiancé's death- this, now was the most intense feeling of isolation she had ever felt. And in her short life she had felt more that her share of pain. She had gone through more than her share of death. And she had -seen-more than most people do in a lifetime.  
  
But as he sat there across from her, he could barely talk in between fighting tears, and catching his breath. His eyes filled with anguish, and his words filled with more regret than they seemed to reveal. His entire body revealed more to her about his pain than he intended, or desired to let on. He could not even look at her as if she were real, but instead she was some illusory apparition. This was what made her fell so very alone. His eyes had never before looked at her with the pure and utter anguish, which was equaled only by the absolute disbelief, with which he looked at her now. He wasn't the type of person who could look past someone. He himself was too genuine to pretend that someone wasn't there when they looked right at him. He was too good of a man to look at her as though she were nothing. But he did.  
  
Her entire being focused on his eyes. Why couldn't he see that she was sitting right there in front of him? Why wouldn't he believe that she was real, and true, and waiting for him? What did he expect her to do float away, disappear, vanish, as he held her in his hands? What had happened to him that he could lose his wondrous curiosity, and genuine goodness, which had previously been so inherent in every breath he took? Where was he? Where had the man she loved gone? This wasn't him.  
  
And as she thought this, as she cried for loss of her one true ally, as she mourned the man standing right before her, she began to look at him with the same anguished, disbelieving eyes. As if he were no longer real. As if he might vanish. As if he were nothing. 


	2. Chapter 2

But what did she have? What did she know? What was true? What was real? What had happened to her? She couldn't remember. For the life of her she couldn't find the memories. They weren't there. They weren't locked somewhere in her brain where someone might someday uncover them. No, they were gone, completely. Forever. The person who had taken her had covered their tracks well, and now she was left with nothing.  
  
She had nothing. She could barely breathe. The air seemed to lock inside her lungs as the emptiness of her mind closed in around her. The darkness of the situation closed in fast, leaving the only source of light, or hope, in the man sitting in front of her. But he was not the man she wanted. He was not the man she knew, or needed, or loved. But at this moment. At this place in which the darkness crept toward her slowly, but insidiously, in this place he was both nothing and everything at the same time. Though she was lost inside her mind, he was the only was out.  
  
She spoke without thinking. "What's happened? Where's my father? Who is your wife?" Without knowing what she'd asked, she awaited answers. Bu they did not come. She was left alone with darkness ever near. Alone without the one thing she needed, without anything. He left her there with nothing. She had needed his answers, his words above all, but he'd left her there, alone.  
  
So she sat there. She was still. The only movement was that of her mind. It raced. She searched over and over again, seeking that which was not there. She frantically searched. But she found nothing. All that she had with her, were the memories of the night of the fight. Nothing more nothing less. It was as if she had closed her eyes after fighting the double, and then opened them again. It had been less than a second. A fleeting moment had passed while her eyes were closed, yet two years had gone by.  
  
How was this possible? Why did it happen? As the questions mounted the darkness grew more full. She had been totally unaware of the time passing, and then he returned and ushered her out of the safe house and to an awaiting car. He did not say a word, but instead kept his eyes deliberately away from her. As far as she knew he couldn't bare to look at her, but then again neither could she.  
  
If her lover was not the same person as he'd been two years ago, neither was she. She felt so different. She felt weak, and drowsy. She was out of shape, and had many scars and bruises she did not remember. What had happened to her? Who had she become? Why couldn't she remember? She tried so hard to think of anything about the last two years. She wasn't thinking any differently, her skills and training were still fresh in her mind. She appeared to have only been affected physically. Had she been asleep for two years?  
  
After the car there was a plane and then another. More cars after that, and then many agents with guns. Then test after test. Physical tests, psychological tests, every test imaginable. But no one said a word to her. They gave her instructions, yes, but they did not talk to her, or tell her what was going on. She sat in silence as they poked and prodded her. She let them draw blood, inject her with medicine, and search every part of their body. Meanwhile there was always someone writing everything down. There was one man in particular who scrawled away at his clipboard, he never stopped. His pen constantly scratched at the paper, and he'd gone through almost thirty seven sheets. She'd counted. She had nothing else to do. Her mind had been blank, and she appreciated the break from her frantic search for memories.  
  
They man's pen scratching was absolutely beyond irritation, until his pen had evidently run out of ink, and he'd found a new one. This one was quieter. He turned the page. Thirty eight, Sydney thought to herself. Just after this page turn the doctor had instructed her to follow the guards to her cell. She had wondered slightly at this, but then obeyed. She decided long before to be silent and follow instructions.  
  
Her cell was cold. A metal cot, a cup of water, and a toilet. She laid down on the cold steel and placed her hand gently on it, in front of her face. She watched as she pushed down on it hard. It was real. It was hard, and cold, and it fogged when she breathed on it. It was real. She had been quite unsure of everything until now. The cot was real. The cell was real. She drank the water, and that was real as well. Her lost memories were real. Her confusion was real. And the cold tears that streamed down her face, were probably the most real thing she had. 


	3. Chapter 3

The bright light seared through her eyelids causing her to jolt suddenly from her restful sleep. She watched as they entered the room, and noted the many other guards watching her from outside the bulletproof glass. Kendall had watching her, scrutinizing every inch of her. Vaughn was standing near the door, his eyes averted, his head hanging low.  
  
Kendall spoke harshly, not waiting for her full responses, but impatiently asking questions, with his usual tone of condescension.  
  
"Well Ms. Bristow, you certainly are a sight to behold."  
  
She didn't respond.  
  
"Do you have any recollection of your whereabouts over the last twenty three months?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What exactly is the last thing you remember?"  
  
"Shooting Francie, the double."  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well that isn't very helpful." He shot a look at Vaughn, who seemed to just glare back indifferently. "Mr. Vaughn you said you had some questions for Ms. Bristow." Vaughn looked at him blankly.  
  
"Yes." Sydney watched him step forward. He quickly broke his stare with Kendall, and looked at the floor. He stooped directly before her, and looked up. Their eyes met, but Sydney could barely see into his, tears blocked her view.  
  
"Sydney we want you to try to regain your memory through hypnosis. It's the same procedure Will under went, it's non-invasive, and totally painless. Do you think you're up for it?"  
  
"Whatever it takes." She looked away from him.  
  
"Sydney you don't remember anything past your fight with Francie? Nothing?" He stepped forward slightly.  
  
"Nothing, Vaughn. It was like I went to sleep after the fight, and woke up in Hong Kong, and now I'm being treated like some sort of criminal."  
  
"Ms. Bristow, the measures we've taken are purely precautionary. I apologize for any discomfort."  
  
"Discomfort. Try waking up finding out everyone you loved thought you we're dead, and then been tested for hours on end, only to be shoved in a metal cage afterward. Discomfort Director Kendall, is not something for you to be commenting on." She glared at Kendall, anger flaring in her eyes.  
  
"Please accept my apology Ms. Bristow, some explanations will have to wait until further information is available, but know that the measures we have taken are absolutely necessary, and that you will understand eventually."  
  
She didn't respond. Vaughn caught her eye as she broke her stare at Kendall. His eyes were still full of tears, but she could see how incredibly green they were once again. They held each other's gaze for a long moment, before Sydney looked away.  
  
"Where is my father?" She spat, not really wanting either of them to stay any longer.  
  
"Sydney." Vaughn started before being cut off by Kendall.  
  
"Until your identity is confirmed, Ms. Bristow, we cannot divulge any information."  
  
"My identity? A simple blood test would have confirmed that. What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
"Ms. Bristow, based on the fact that we all watched you die over eighteen months ago, I think we have reason to believe that you're not who you claim to be." 


	4. Chapter 4

"You watched me die?" She breathed. Vaughn looked away sharply. "You told me you thought I was dead."  
  
"Ms. Bristow, I'm sorry we cannot tell you anything more." Kendall turned to leave.  
  
"Sydney," Vaughn stopped and inhaled deeply. "You were shot," He paused again. "You died." He looked away again.  
  
"Mr. Vaughn, you need to leave, now!" Kendall yelled from the door way.  
  
"No wait, Vaughn what are you talking about." She said crossing toward the doorway. The armed guarded stopped her before she reached him. She stood there and watched as Vaughn and Kendall walked away, followed by their entourage of armed guards.  
  
She couldn't tell how long she stood their but she just stood trying to process what Vaughn had just told her. Her thoughts were interrupted by a guard delivering her breakfast. She took it and slowly ate. After she finished she fell back to sleep in her cold metal cot.  
  
Later she was awakened by a guard and escorted back to the medical wing. The doctors explained how the hypnosis worked and then sat her down in the small room.  
  
She began having flashbacks immediately. First she was fighting with Francie, then she woke up in a hospital bed. When this flash ended another began. This time she was lying on a bed, her mother was there, her father too. Then Sloane entered the room, and her parents left. Then she was left in darkness.  
  
"Ms. Bristow. I think that's enough for today." The doctor brought her back from her memories.  
  
"No, I want to keep going." Sydney insisted.  
  
"I don't think it's wise. Your memories have been deeply repressed, and I don't think it was natural."  
  
"I don't care. I need to know what has happened to me."  
  
"Alright. Once again, close your eyes. I'm going to count backwards from ten, when I reach one you will find yourself in a deep sleep, at zero I want you to go back to the place which you were one year ago. Okay, Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two.."  
  
Sydney felt her self slowly drifting off to sleep. He consciousness was waning fast, and she was focused on the sound of the doctor's voice alone.  
  
Sydney could hear the doctors asking questions but was unsure how to answer.  
  
"Sydney where are you?"  
  
She wasn't sure. It was as if her senses were not working. She could hear, see, and smell nothing. All she could do was concentrate on this one feeling. She was in a dark place, alone, or at least she thought this was true. But it was impossible to be sure. She waited, but her emotions were the only things accompanying her. She was scared, but not intensely so. Sort of indifferent, but aware. It was a mixture of feelings she'd never felt before.  
  
"Is anyone there with you?"  
  
"No." She blurted out before realizing that she was wrong. There was someone there with her. She just couldn't figure out who it was. She was overwhelmed by feelings of excitement, and joy but still she was unable to see or hear.  
  
"What do your surroundings look like?"  
  
"I don't know." She cried, frustrated at her lack of palpable senses.  
  
"That's alright. Sydney can you tell me what day it is?"  
  
She thought frantically. She knew the date, she was sure of it. She was flustered for a second before it came to her instantly.  
  
"It's Sunday." She sighed, relieved to find some reality.  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"I'm outside." She said, calming quickly.  
  
"Good Sydney, what are you doing."  
  
Reality seemed to rush back to Sydney all at once. She could still feel the strong emotions coursing through her body, but she was now aware of what was going on.  
  
"I'm running, through the park. It's a beautiful day."  
  
"Wonderful. Are you alone?"  
  
"Yes. I wanted to be alone." Sydney replied trying to remember why it was she'd taken the run. She thought back. She and Vaughn were arguing. She decided to run and clear her head. There was something that she wanted to tell him. She couldn't remember what it was.  
  
"Fast forward Sydney. What happens after the run?"  
  
"I'm home again. Vaughn's made dinner. He's sorry, he doesn't want to argue anymore. I'm sorry too."  
  
Sydney smiled and glanced at the picture on the wall. It was her father. She tried to think of him, but was suddenly reminded of the present. She panicked.  
  
"Where is my father. I can't remember. The Double." She said frantically, memories flooding her brain."  
  
"Okay Sydney I'm going to count to five, when I reach five you'll wake up. One, Two, Three, Four, Five."  
  
She awoke suddenly. Her head was spinning.  
  
"Sydney I think you should rest now. That was a very good session. The last memory you had was very clear. You remembered details, and were very calm. I think we'll make a lot of progress if this keeps up." The doctor handed her a glass of water.  
  
As she began to drink it Vaughn came into the room.  
  
"Excuse me, you can't be in here." The doctor said standing to face Vaughn. Vaughn ignored him, and brushed past him.  
  
"Sydney, you're identity has been confirmed I'm taking you home." He said pulling her out of the chair.  
  
"What are you talking about? Vaughn." He grabbed her hand and started toward the exit. As they crossed the room, Kendall walked through the door, and blocked their way.  
  
"Mr. Vaughn what the hell do you think you're doing?" 


	5. Chapter 5

"Sydney's identity has been confirmed I'm taking her home." Vaughn said firmly.  
  
Kendall laughed. "You don't have clearance to take someone from CIA custody, hell you don't have any clearance, remember."  
  
"I have permission from the LA Branch Director, Kendall, your boss."  
  
"Jack Bristow is in no state to be giving orders about his daughter."  
  
"Well I have the order, and I'm taking her home." Vaughn said stepping closer to the door.  
  
"Fine, but security will be monitoring you, and I'll be contacting both of you when I have new orders to bring Ms. Bristow back in."  
  
Neither Sydney, nor Vaughn said a word as they walked out of the room, and started down the hall. Vaughn swiftly led Sydney to the parking garage, and to his car. They were silent until the car had cleared the gates.  
  
"Sydney, I'm sorry about all that."  
  
"What's going on Vaughn?"  
  
"They confirmed that you are actually you, and your dad told me to take you home."  
  
"My Dad?" She though back to the memory she'd had. "He's the LA director?"  
  
"Yes, he was promoted almost two years ago."  
  
"Vaughn two years ago, what happened?"  
  
"We're almost home now, let's wait until we get there. We have a lot to talk about."  
  
"Will your wife be there?" Sydney spat. She regretted it as soon as the words left her mouth.  
  
"Sydney please, we're almost there." He sighed.  
  
They drove the rest of the way in silence, the thought of the impending conversation weighing heavily on their minds.  
  
Once they arrived at Vaughn's house, he led Sydney inside.  
  
"This place is great." She said noting the nice décor, and furniture. She tried to hide her resentment.  
  
"Yeah, umm, well it's half yours." He said unable to meet her gaze.  
  
"What do you mean?" She said following him into the living room. He looked at her before sitting her down, and taking a seat next to her.  
  
"Sydney," He paused, trying to breathe correctly. "The last thing you remember is the night you fought Francie, right?"  
  
"Yes." She said this impatiently, but regretted it afterward.  
  
"That night I came back to your house, we were going to go to Santa Barbra. When I got there the place was in ruins, and I found Francie dead, and you lying unconscious on the floor across from her." He took a deep breath. "You don't remember anything past that, but after you recovered, we moved in here, together." He said trying hard to keep his emotions in check. Sydney's head was spinning, she was confused, and worried that she couldn't remember. "Sydney we lived here together for almost four months after that." He said again pausing to control his breathing.  
  
"Four months." She breathed trying to regain a sense of reality.  
  
"Yeah Syd, I even proposed six weeks before you, uh disappeared." He said softly letting a tear slip from his eye.  
  
"We were engaged?" She breathed almost inaudibly.  
  
"No. Sydney we were, we still are -married." 


	6. Chapter 6

"We were, we are."She paused to let out the breath she was holding. "We got married?"  
  
As she said this Vaughn could no longer hold his emotions in check. Tears began to flow from his eyes and he could barely she Sydney through them. He could, however, see that she was in tears as well. After a few moments he wiped his eyes, and looked at her.  
  
"Sydney, it was on our wedding night," He stopped, he could barely breathe. He had never before even imagined having to explain this to her. After a few moments he gained control of himself. "It was that night that you, you died." He let go again, and the tears flowed faster, and uncontrollably. Sydney stared at him. He was in so much pain, and she was so incredibly confused she could barely comprehend his words. Instead she just watched Vaughn cry. He shook violently from his sobs of pain.  
  
After a moment Sydney gathered up her courage and reached her hand out to him. She touched his hand which was holding his head, and as she did so he looked up at her. As their eyes met, Sydney pulled him to her, and held him. She let him cry against her chest, as she pulled him closer and closer. She kissed the top of his head, and breathed in his scent. And for a moment she closed her eyes and she could almost let herself pretend that their lives together were back to what she remembered. She could almost pretend that it was still the last night she remembered, and they were going to go to Santa Barbra, and that they were still figuring out how much they loved each other.  
  
But Vaughn's cries kept her firmly rooted in reality. He began to call her name as if she weren't there holding him. He cried, and yelled, and held her so tightly she could barely breathe. But she just sat there, through all of his pain, she held him, she cried with him, she told him that she was real, and that she loved him, and that everything was going to be alright. But even as she said these words she didn't believe him. As she spoke calm and soothing words to him she couldn't help but wonder if they would ever have what they had had together. She wasn't even sure what they had together. She tried to stop herself, but she couldn't help but picture his eyes as they looked at her in the safe house in Hong Kong. She could feel the burning scrutiny, the total disbelief, the .nothingness.  
  
The thought of all this sent shivers down her spine, and caused her to cry even harder. She could understand now how he would look at her as though she were a ghost. She practically was one. But she couldn't shake the feeling that there were some things that would never be the same for her again. And she hoped, and she prayed, which she didn't do often, but she pleaded with any power higher than her own, that she and Vaughn could find their love for each other once again, that that would be the same.  
  
Over an hour later Sydney was still holding Vaughn on their couch, in their house. He had fallen asleep out of sheer exhaustion. She had waited a while, still holding him, just to make sure she didn't wake him when she slowly maneuvered from under him. After she was free, she wandered through their house. She found his room. It was distinctly male. After his room she wandered into another, larger room. It was the master bedroom. It was theirs.  
  
As she walked through the room they had shared, she found herself searching for feeling, any feeling. She was afraid by the fact that she wasn't feeling anything. Was she just numb, after all she'd learned today? Was she just scared to feel her true emotions? As she wandered further into the room, and searched further through her mind, she found herself feeling one thing. Guilt. She found that she was angry at herself for not remembering. She felt incredibly guilty that she had no recollection of her life with Vaughn. He was her husband, and she could not remember that.  
  
She sat down on their bed and stared into the mirror that hung on the opposite wall. She looked at herself, and it scared her at first. But then her curiosity peeked. Her eyes, she recognized the look in them. She could see deep down into her own soul. But it was the disbelief that shocked her. It was the look of betrayal, and anguish. Her eyes held the expression which Vaughn had had in Hong Kong. She saw herself as an apparition, in disbelief, and in horror. She was a ghost to herself. She had died, and maybe to her it wasn't real, but to everyone else, to everyone she knew and loved, it was a reality. She'd died, and as she looked in the mirror, for the first time she understood the fullness of what that meant. 


	7. Chapter 7

She was disturbed suddenly by the rung of the telephone. She tore her eyes from the mirror and quickly reached to grab to phone that sat on the bedside table.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Ms. Bristow, it's Assistant Director Kendall. I just called to inform you that the doctors want you to come back for more tests, and hypno-therapy."  
  
"A. Alright, when?"  
  
"Tomorrow. Of course if it's alright with Mr. Vaughn."  
  
"Tomorrow is fine." She paused uncertain if she wanted to ask. "Director Kendall, can I ask you something?"  
  
"Uh, I guess. What is it Ms, Bristow?"  
  
She sighed. "How did I die?" She could barely believe the words as they came out of her mouth.  
  
"Um, Ms. Bristow I think this is a question for your father or Mr. Vaughn."  
  
"No," she cut him off, "they've already been through it once, I don't want them to have to relive it again with me. Please, tell me."  
  
"You were shot, Sydney. We were all there, we all saw it."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Umm, Sydney, well." He sighed as well. "It was Slone."  
  
"How, where was." She paused truly unsure of what she wanted to ask.  
  
"He showed up at the reception, Sydney, he waltzed in with a present in his hand, and he shot you."  
  
She could barely breathe. Slone had killed her; that thought alone made her furious.  
  
"Sydney, uh, Ms. Bristow, I need to go now."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"You welcome, I'll see you tomorrow." He hung up.  
  
She wasn't sure if she was relieved to know this information or if it made it harder to face Vaughn again. But either way she forced herself from their bedroom and walked to the couch where Vaughn slept. She sat down on the floor beside the couch and watched him sleep. She felt tears trickle down her cheeks as she watched the slow rise and fall of his chest. She didn't cry for herself; people don't usually have to deal with their own deaths. She cried for him. He had watch Slone kill her. It was supposed to be the happiest day of his life, but she had been killed, Slone had once again ruined everything. She continued to cry as she sat there, just thinking about the pain she had caused him, and everyone else. She could not fathom what is would be like to lose the person she loved most, and then have them show up again one day. But she was living it. Vaughn had watched her dies, he'd buried his wife, he'd grieved, and mourned, and then found out that it was all for naught.  
  
This time Slone had not just hurt Sydney, he'd hurt Vaughn. It made Sydney's blood boil. If she had hated Slone once, than her feelings for him then were nothing compared to what they were now. For all that he'd done for her, and now all that he'd down to Vaughn, and the others she loved, she was ready to kill him. She wanted to strangle him with her own two hands.  
  
"Sydney," Vaughn's soft voice startled her.  
  
"Hey," She breathed.  
  
"What are you thinking about?"  
  
"Nothing," She lied.  
  
"No tell me."  
  
"I was just thinking about how much Slone has done to us."  
  
"Don't worry about that Sydney. What Slone's done is over."  
  
"Yeah but he sure left one hell of a mess for us. I can't believe the incredible urge I have to cause him just as much pain as he'd caused us, Vaughn. He deserves.."  
  
"To die, I know. But, Sydney he is dead." 


	8. Chapter 8

"Slone died a few months after you did." Vaughn said still shaken.  
  
Sydney looked at him, a mixture of confusion and anger in her eyes.  
  
"Sydney we found him in his home in Tuscany. He'd apparently died of natural causes."  
  
Sydney's expression didn't changed, but she sat staring at Vaughn.  
  
"Sydney? Are you alright?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm okay. It's just that in my hypnosis, I remembered being with him."  
  
"In Washington D.C, I know I was watching your session."  
  
"You were?"  
  
"Yeah I managed to get permission form Kendall, which wasn't easy, but he finally gave in. I am after all your husband."  
  
"Oh. Kendall wants me to come back in for more testing."  
  
"Is there something wrong?"  
  
"I don't know, it didn't sound like it, but he also wanted be to undergo anther therapy session."  
  
"And, you want to?"  
  
"Well the doctor said I made good progress, and I want to figure the truth about, well why I can't remember."  
  
Vaughn nodded. His eyes still seared with pain. It seemed that everything they talked about had some link to her death, and disappearance.  
  
"Vaughn, Kendall told me, about our wedding night." She looked down, not wanting to see his sad eyes again.  
  
"He did." He nodded slightly also starring away from Sydney. "Sydney I know this must be weird for you."  
  
"No, Vaughn. However weird it is for me, I know that it must be ten times as painful for you. I can only imagine." She trailed off. Vaughn propped his head up on his hand, and took her hand with the other.  
  
"Sydney I think we should try and focus on what's here, and now. At least until we have some answers." Sydney nodded. "Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but it's over, and you're here now, and I don't want to dwell on the pain of the past."  
  
"I understand. I agree, I'm just sorry for all the pain I caused you."  
  
"It wasn't you who caused me pain, Sydney. When you died, the only thing that kept me alive was the memory of all the happiness we had together. And now, as painful as it is to relive everything, it is amazing to have you here." He let go of her hand and touched her face. "I still can't believe you're here. I don't want to forget whatever miracle brought you back to me, but also don't want to be focused on anything but you Sydney. And I'm sorry, that I have been so cold to you, it's been hard taking in that you're really here, and that you're not some cruel trick on my mind."  
  
"Vaughn, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." Sydney said softly as she wiped a tear from his cheek.  
  
"Sydney I love you so much." Vaughn breathed as he pulled her in close and kissed her gently on the lips.  
  
Their kiss lasted for an indiscernible amount of time, and would have continued, but for the ring of the telephone.  
  
"I'll get it." Vaughn said as he slowly moved from the couch. Sydney watched him walk toward the phone on the kitchen counter.  
  
"Hello." He said. "Hi, yeah we're here safe. Kendall gave us some trouble but he let us go." He paused. "I think that would be alright..tonight.okay, bye." He hung up.  
  
"Who was it?" Sydney said as she stood from her spot by the couch.  
  
"Your father, he wants to come and see you." 


	9. Chapter 9

Later that night Jack Bristow came to see Sydney. He had been told that she was alive and well in LA. He'd heard the words, and knew that they were true, but until he saw Sydney face to face he hadn't truly believed it. At first it was awkward, Sydney had hugged him tightly, and he held her for a long time. But then the three of them sat down to dinner, and discussed things of non-importance. No one said a word about her dying, or coming back to life, or being missing, or any of it. They weren't pretending like none of it had happened, but they just avoided it.  
  
It wasn't until after dinner that Sydney even thought to broach the subject. And when she did she regretted it completely.  
  
"Dad, I'm sorry to ask, but when I was under hypnosis, I remembered seeing you, and mom, with Slone."  
  
"Sydney, the night you were shot, I took Slone into custody. On our way to CIA operations he told me that he knew what Rambaldi's device did, and that if I helped him, I might be able to get you back. I didn't believe him, of course, but somehow Slone manage to drug me, and when I woke up I was persuaded to work with him. This information, of course, was given to the CIA, and I was ordered to continue 'working' with Slone to uncover his ultimate plan."  
  
"What was his plan?"  
  
"I was unable to find it out. What I do know is that he had the Rambaldi Device, he went away for almost a month, and when I saw him again he had you there."  
  
"Wait, she was just there? Did Slone explain?" Vaughn interrupted.  
  
"No, after Irina and I were given a chance to see Sydney we were whisked away, and Slone died shortly after that. I am as confused about it as everyone else is."  
  
"So you knew that Sydney was alive two years ago?" Vaughn said, his tone filled with anger.  
  
"Yes, I did. But Slone hid her from both her mother and me, and I have been searching for her, until now." Jack explained trying to calm Vaughn.  
  
"But I don't understand, why didn't you tell me." Vaughn said shooting Jack resentful looks.  
  
"Vaughn, I looked at it from your perspective. Had someone told me that Sydney was alive, only one short month after I held her dying in my arms, I wouldn't have believed them." He sighed. "Vaughn I have to ask you to forgive me, maybe I was wrong, but if I were you I wouldn't have believed it; and I didn't until I saw Sydney myself. I suppose I wanted to bring her back to you alive."  
  
Jack looked at Vaughn with regret. Sydney watched the interaction between her father and Vaughn. There relationship was much different than she'd remembered.  
  
"You're right Jack, I wouldn't have believed you." Vaughn said his head hanging low. When he finally looked up at Sydney several tears streaked his face.  
  
Soon after this Jack left Sydney and Vaughn alone together. 


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning Vaughn took Sydney back to the CIA, where more doctors began performing tests. Before she hadn't understood why so many doctors were attending to her. Today she was fully aware of their curiosity, and disbelief. She had come back from the dead. By some miracle she was alive, and now even Sydney wanted answers, and soon.  
  
After several more hours of poking and prodding, Sydney was released to see the Hypno-therapist. This time her memories were much more vivid, and she was able to explain them without being led.  
  
"I'm in a hospital bed, Vaughn is here. I just woke up, and he's very happy to see me. Now the doctor's here, he says I'll be alright, I just need to rest. Vaughn is taking me home to his apartment now, mine is a mess. We're sitting on the couch together. He's holding me. Now we're going to Operations, Kendall is asking questions about my fight with the double. He wants to know everything. Now Vaughn and I are on our way to Santa Barbra. We're on the beach, we're swimming, we're in the hotel room having breakfast in bed. He tells me he loves me, and I love him too. Then we go driving."  
  
"Sydney slow down. Where are you now?"  
  
"It's later, we're visiting Will in the hospital. He's awake now. He's telling me about what The Double made him do. He's very sad. Now we're taking him home. He's staying with Vaughn and me in our new apartment. We have dinner. Then later we watch a movie." Sydney paused.  
  
"What is it Sydney?"  
  
"I don't know, a funny feeling. I don't know what it is."  
  
"Where are you Sydney?"  
  
"I'm sleeping."  
  
"Are you dreaming?"  
  
"Yes, there's a baby girl."  
  
"Who is she Sydney?"  
  
"She's my daughter."  
  
"Are you still dreaming?"  
  
"Yes, but I still feel strange."  
  
"What do you think this means Sydney?"  
  
"The dream stopped."  
  
"Do you still feel strange."  
  
"Yes, I'm awake now."  
  
"What's happening?"  
  
"Vaughn is sleeping next to me."  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm looking down at my stomach."  
  
"What is there Sydney."  
  
"My hand. I feel."  
  
"What Sydney?"  
  
"I can feel the baby." 


	11. chapter 11

"Sydney are you pregnant?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Does Vaughn know?"  
  
"No."  
  
"How far along are you."  
  
"I'm not sure yet."  
  
"Are you going to tell him."  
  
"Yes, but I want to wait for the right moment. I don't think now is not a good time, but I will later."  
  
"Okay Sydney, I'm going to count backwards from five."  
  
"You're still awake. Yeah I can't sleep. Come here. Vaughn.. I love you Sydney. I love you too."  
  
"Sydney what's happening."  
  
"I'm waking up."  
  
"What day is it."  
  
"It's the next morning."  
  
"What's happening Sydney?"  
  
"Vaughn is still sleeping. But then he wakes up. He says he loves me. He takes my hand, he's putting a ring on my finger."  
  
"An engagement ring?"  
  
"Yes, we're going to get married."  
  
"What's happening now?"  
  
"It's later, we're driving to his mother's house. We have dinner, she's very happy. Then we go home."  
  
"Okay Sydney, fast forward six weeks. Where are you."  
  
"In a church. I, I'm getting married. My dad is walking with me down the aisle. Vaughn is waiting at the other end. He's smiling. The priest is talking a lot, but I can't really hear him."  
  
"Why not Sydney?"  
  
"I'm not sure, but I'm crying, I'm very happy."  
  
"That's good Sydney, what's happening now?"  
  
"We're at the reception. Weiss is making a toast. We start dancing. Everyone is watching. But then someone shouts and a gun fires."  
  
"What happens next Sydney?"  
  
"Slone he is walking toward me. He has a present in his hand. Men are chasing after him. He is smiling. He says that he's very happy for me. Vaughn goes to punch him. Slone pulls out a gun. He says to Vaughn that it isn't a good idea. He looks at me again. Good bye Sydney, we'll meet again. He fires his gun. I can't feel anything. I'm on the floor. Vaughn is holding me. Oh, it hurts. I can't breathe. Vaughn is yelling, he's crying. I can see my father. He's standing over me. Vaughn is yelling my name, but I can barely hear him."  
  
"Sydney."  
  
"The baby."  
  
"Five."  
  
"Dad?"  
  
"Four.."  
  
"It hurts so much."  
  
"Three."  
  
"Vaughn? Vaughn."  
  
"Two."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"One." 


	12. Chapter 12

"Make it stop now! She doesn't need to see this. What the hell is he trying to do?" Vaughn was pacing back and forth behind the one way glass.  
  
"Mr. Vaughn the Doctor knows what he's doing." Kendall didn't look at Vaughn as he spoke.  
  
"That may be true, but this isn't helping Sydney or us find out about the last eighteen months. It is totally unnecessary for her to have to go through this." Jack stepped in. Vaughn was so distraught, he wasn't entirely coherent, much less making any sense.  
  
By the time Jack and Kendall were done arguing Sydney was being pulled from her hypnotic state. Vaughn had stood outside the room , watching in horror as Sydney relived her own death. The moment the doctor began to count down he rushed through the door and to Sydney's side. She had gone totally white and was trembling slightly as she opened her eyes.  
  
She was relieved that Vaughn was the first thing she saw as she woke up. For a few moments she just stared at him, in some way trying to discern reality from memory.  
  
"Sydney." he said hesitantly.  
  
"Take me home." She could barely speak. Vaughn helped her to stand.  
  
"She needs to rest. I think we'll wait a while for the next session. How about next week?"  
  
"Fine." Vaughn said, beginning to walk toward the door. As Sydney took her first few steps her stomach did several flips, and she quickly let go of Vaughn and rushed to the trash can.  
  
After vomiting several times she tried to stand again, but before she was fully upright she collapsed back into Vaughn's arms.  
  
"Sydney, are you alright."  
  
"Yeah, I'm just a little dizzy." She said trying again without avail to stand up on her own.  
  
"Maybe she should stay here and let me check her out." The doctor said as he walked toward them.  
  
"No, I'm just tired. I want to go home." She assured the doctor, though she wasn't sure she could make it home.  
  
"Here." Vaughn said bending down and picking her up. Sydney wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder as Vaughn carried her to his car.  
  
"There we go." He said softly as he set her down in the passenger seat, and buckled her seatbelt. He kissed her softly on the head before closing the door.  
  
"Mr. Vaughn." Jack was walking toward the car. Vaughn stopped and waited. "Let me know when she's feeling better. I'd like to see her again."  
  
"Sure." Vaughn said turning to get into the car.  
  
"Oh, and Vaughn." He paused. "Thank you." Jack turned on his hell, and walked away briskly, leaving Vaughn standing and starring at him.  
  
Vaughn wasn't exactly sure what Jack was thanking him for, but he got into his car and began to drive. Sydney dozed off slowly, into a fitful sleep. He knew what she was dreaming about. As hard as it was for him to think about, she was having to relive her own death. Was she seeing it over and over again in her mind, as he had when she'd died? Was she picturing her blood everywhere as he had so many times? Would she wake up crying and sweating, screaming in pain? He knew that all of these things would happen. He'd been through this before. But he had never expected to go through it again, especially not with her.  
  
As he drove he replayed her hypnosis session in his head. 'I feel strange..The baby.' What was she talking about. 'Sydney are you pregnant?....Yes.' Had she really been pregnant? This thought hit him like a ton of bricks. He'd known nothing about a baby. When she'd died no one mentioned anything about her being pregnant.  
  
Then it came to him. 'She didn't drink any champagne at the rehearsal dinner, no wine. No drinks at the reception either.' He thought.  
  
He glanced over at Sydney. Could his wife really have been pregnant when she died. The thought had never occurred to him, why would it? 'Does Vaughn know?...No, I'll tell him later.' She'd kept it from him. He realized in a matter of seconds the true meaning of those words. She had been pregnant, she'd said there was something she needed to tell him, but that she'd wait until the honeymoon.  
  
Suddenly Vaughn could barely breathe. He forced himself to focus on the road. 'Exit here, turn left, breathe now.' He told himself.  
  
When they finally made it back to the apartment, Vaughn cut the engine and looked over at Sydney. She was still sleeping. He made himself open the door, and slowly get out of the car. He made his way around to the passenger side and opened the door. Quietly he unbuckled Sydney's seatbelt, and carefully lifted her out of the seat.  
  
"Vaughn?" She said waking slightly.  
  
"Yeah Syd, I'm here." He said using her feet to close the car door.  
  
She didn't say anything else, but wrapped her arms around his neck. He carried her in through the door, and straight to his bedroom. Sydney was just conscious to notice that he didn't take her to their bedroom, but to the one he'd been using. He carefully set her down and pulled the covers up around her. "Michael." She started as he sat down on the edge of the bed.  
  
"Yeah." He said gazing down at her.  
  
"I'm sorry.I'm just so tired." She said closing her eyes.  
  
"It's alright Sydney we can talk later." She nodded faintly at this, and then Vaughn stood to leave.  
  
"I love you." She said without opening her eyes. Vaughn closed the door softly, but did not move from where he stood. For a moment he just stared at the closed door, and before he knew it he was sitting on the ground leaning back against it.  
  
He could barely allow the thoughts to enter his mind, but they seemed to overflow like a flood.  
  
'You didn't just let her die, you let your child die too.'  
  
'She didn't want to tell you because she was afraid you'd get scared and run.'  
  
'No, she didn't want to tell you because she knew you didn't want kids.'  
  
The voices seemed to contradict themselves, and Vaughn had no idea where they were coming from. He'd heard them after Sydney had died as well. The voices of Guilt, Sorrow, Anger, Pain, and Shame. Each one seemed to have their own take on her death, and now they were back to give their opinions on his child.  
  
'Maybe it wasn't yours, maybe it was someone else's.'  
  
'Maybe she thought you didn't love her enough.'  
  
'You let her die, you let the baby die, and now she hates you.'  
  
Vaughn rubbed his eyes, and then his temples. None of these things were true, he knew that. But he couldn't help but think of all the different possibilities. Maybe his guilty feelings were right, maybe everything was all his fault. But surely Sydney knew how much he loved her, she knew that he would love their baby. She didn't hate them, she'd said it just now, she loved him.  
  
But why did he feel so guilty, why was he still so angry and unsure? Why did he feel so ashamed when she looked at him? Why did she have to die? That was always the question. He could barely ever think of anything else. What had he done to piss off the gods? What had she done that was so terrible? Nothing, she was an angel. Why did she have to die?  
  
He'd never actually found an answer to this question. In all the time he'd spent mourning her death; in all the tears, and pain, and time spent hating God, and the CIA, and himself; never had he come up with an answer. But sitting outside her door, crying over the loss of their unborn child; feeling the guilt, and pain, and anger, and shame over her death all over again; it came to him. Why did she have to die? It wasn't in God's plan, or she wouldn't have come back. Why did she have to die? Not why did she did? But Why did she HAVE to die? It wasn't God's plan, it was Slone's plan, it was Rambaldi's plan. They were the reason she had to die. Because in order for her to come back, she HAD to die first. 


	13. Chapter 13

A few hours later, Sydney wandered out of the bedroom and found Vaughn asleep on the couch. She watched him sleep for a second, before heading into the kitchen for some water. She didn't feel like eating. She really didn't feel like doing anything. She sat down on one of the stools at the counter and stared into her water glass. In it's faint reflection she saw a flash of herself bleeding out on the dance floor, in Vaughn's arms. She shook the thought from her mind, and pulled her eyes from the glass.  
  
Her thoughts were constantly running over her newly acquired memory again and again. Every time she thought about it the scar on her stomach ached, and she started to feel dizzy. 'I guess people aren't supposed to remember their own deaths.' She said to her self, as she stared out the window. Her mind was still fuzzy from her session. She took another sip of water and continued to gaze out the window at the trees. The memory seemed to be looped in her mind. It would run through, and then start over, it just didn't stop. She forced herself to remember the morning when Vaughn asked her to marry him. For a few moments at least, Sydney was able to quietly remember the happy moment in peace. The tears in Vaughn's eyes mirrored her own, as he gently slipped the ring on her finger. She whispered 'Yes' into hi ear and they kissed passionately.  
  
However each time she felt as though she'd escaped the horror of her wedding night, it would appear again. It almost felt as if she were dreaming. It felt strange, as if she were looking down on the event from above. Lying there in Vaughn's arms, her white wedding dress soaking up the blood from the pool that was forming around them; Vaughn's hands pressing the wound vigorously and he shouted her name; Jack running back and forth from Slone to Sydney; Slone's eyes, piercing and jovial as they watched the mayhem. And one thing she hadn't quite realized yet, there were another set of eyes which she'd seen just before everything went black. She hadn't been able to pinpoint who the intense gaze belonged to at first, but she could see clearly now. Her mother was standing in the crowd of people who had formed around her. Sydney didn't see her at first, because she was behind many other people. Her eyes were worried, and filled with tears, but she remained standing, almost hiding behind the crowd.  
  
Sydney was only able to catch a glimpse of her, as she began to close her eyes. She'd been focused on Vaughn's face, as the blood spilled from her body, but as she lowered her eyes to close them forever she'd actually seen her mother's face among the crowd. Had she imagined it? Was it an effect of the loss of blood? Sydney searched her memory trying to catch the moment and somehow pause it. As she raked her mind she realized that her mother wasn't a figment of her imagination as she lay dying, she was real. She'd been there at the exact moment when Sydney's heart had failed, as she'd closed her eyes to die. It was strange to think that she'd missed everything else but that. She'd not shown up at the wedding, as Sydney had secretly hoped she would. She hadn't come to kiss her daughter before the ceremony, or to congratulate her afterward. She had appeared only to watch Sydney die, and she hadn't moved a muscle to prevent it.  
  
The questions seemed to flood into her mind all at once. Did she know it would happen? Could she have stopped it? Was she in on it, was she helping? Why didn't she try and save me? Why didn't she do anything? Why didn't she come to comfort me? Why? Why did I have to die? 


End file.
